Misery

Zombie Research Institute

My observations Part 2. Mood disorders

If : The orexin system causes affective disorders

And: I have orexin neuron degeneration

Then: I should show the symptoms.

Sleep disorders

Um, yeah, all of them.

Snoring (in infancy)

Thumbsucking (sign of apnea, pretty sure)

Hypersomnia (at age 3)

Sleepwalking (the crown jewel of sleep disorders. At age 5.)

Apnea

Bruxism (teeth grinding)

Insomnia

Narcolepsy

Anxiety

My life was one long panic attack. The frantic search for serenity.

I am terrified of criticism. To the point of isolation.

I haven't participated in anything competitive since the traumatic music recital in 7th grade.

Job interviews are torture. Public speaking makes me black out. Personal rejection is excruciating.

I became an indexer because it doesn't involve meeting the public and I purposefully sought work for which I was overqualified to reduce my stress level. I couldn't even deal with that after a while and just didn't look for a new job after my company closed.

The only reason I can even post this website is because the idea is so powerful I have to get it out of my head. The wondrous possibilities are totally stressing me out...

Depression

Oh mercy, the depression. A life of melancholy and sullenness.

Suicidal thoughts at 15. Multiple episodes thereafter.

Permanent depression started when I was 33. 3 weeks of sobbing. 9 months of constant intrusive suicidal ideation. Years of emptiness and desperation.

The thing that helped was the Atkins diet. 8 years later.

Eating disorders/Weight problems

Oh yeah, I've collected them all. Anorexia to Obesity.

Digestive

The zombie version. "Impaired digestive transit" I think they call it.

This has improved remarkably.

Pain

I had migraines. No...it was more like one constant migraine since college. Seriously, TMJ and occipital neuralgia too. Didn't even know how much my head hurt until it stopped. It got a lot better after eating gluten free. But the TMJ and the facial pain crept back .

Acyclovir makes a big difference. I literally sat here one afternoon after starting the regimen and felt my facial and cervical nerves come back to life. Sometimes I just sit here and breathe through my nose for fun. It's like being in someone else's head.

Lots of other aches and pains have disappeared too.

Reproductive

Very definitely.

Ovarian cysts. Spontaneous, involuntary crying at ovulation. Even in my sleep.

Have progesterone implants to avoid both.

My sister had PCOS as a teenager and gave birth to fraternal twins in her 20's.

Substance Use

Absolutely. Smoking at 13, coffee, alcohol and weed at 15. .

Stimulants. Loved diet pills. Go figure, it's what they prescribe narcoleptics.

Lots of ibuprophen too.

I never liked the taste of alcohol but drank anyway. Fell asleep at a lot of parties. Would binge-drink in stressful situations like breakups. It wasn't pretty.

I lost all desire and tolerance to drink alcohol on Thanksgiving weekend 1997. Have had maybe 5 drinks since then, and there was no positive effect. That's a sign of extreme orexin deficiency. It happened about 2 years after my permanent depression started.

(That's a very clinical way of relating a kind of agony that defies description. "Hitting the bottom" and "Nervous Breakdown" combined- aren't even close. Anyone unfortunate enough to have this particular neurological experience divides their life into before and after that moment.)

Obsession/ Tics

I have verbal tics when stressed. It doesn't happen in public, but I will chatter when alone. I talk incessantly for hours after public speaking or interviews. My grandmother talked to herself too.

And I should probably clarify how obsessive I am.

I keep this picture by my computer so I don't get carried away: Exquisite Pile Management

I became a librarian for a reason. I needed to employ and expend the compulsion to organize things. I really don't need or want my house to be totally clean at all times. Pretty sure it's a sign of insanity.

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